How dare you put mayonaise in a ham sandwich!
by han8661
Summary: House and Holmes crossover were house eating Holmes sandwich causes the verbal war of the century
1. how dare you!

Holmes and Watson walked into House's office to discover House eating Holmes lunch and Wilson pestering him about the fact it wasn't very nice to eat other people's lunch. House was looking slightly amused by his feeble argument.

"Shut up or I'll eat yours to" snapped House who was no longer amused by the pestering. Wilson was about to retaliate but then he spotted Holmes and Watson, his face turned pale, strong as House and Holmes friendship was (although they wouldn't admit it) he was scared at how Holmes would react. Unsure what to do he hovered awkwardly around House trying to avoid Holmes glare.

"Dr House?" Both Watson and Wilson groaned, formal speak, there was going to be a war alright. House chose to ignore Holmes and instead asked Wilson to dispose of the foil that had been wrapped around the sandwiches, although Wilson was normally quite tolerant of House, in his agitated state he just exploded,

"No! No I won't House! I'm not your bloody slave!" he yelled, House looked shocked for a moment but then a quizzical look slid onto his face,

"Odd I thought commoners were supposed to act as slaves to those higher up then them?"

That was it, if Wilson hadn't lost it before he certainly lost it now, he punched House, sending him flying off his chair before storming out of the office muttering something about bastards, but no one could quite catch it.

Holmes smiled for a moment before turning to Watson.

"You better go after him" Watson was immediately suspicious, he had an odd feeling he was wanted out of the room so that the two theorists could have a good long 'debate'

"Why?"

"Well your good at all that emotional crap aren't you" Muttered House as he emerged from behind his desk looking rather disgruntled. Watson shot him a particularly evil glare before turning on his heel and running out the door, in the direction that Wilson had gone.

All was silent in the room until Holmes broke it

"How dare you speak to Watson like that!"

"How dare you put mayonnaise in a ham sandwich?!" retorted House. The two men went back to glaring at each other, the testerone was heavy in the air and you could feel the oncoming fight, this time it was House that broke the silence

"You use Watson"

"You abuse Wilson"

"You can't drive"

"You can't say one thing without it being sarcastic, sadistic, nasty or twisted"

"Bastard"

"Idiot"

"Maniac"

"Sadistic"

"weirdo"

"Git"

"Unfeeling git"

"Twisted unfeeling git"

"Deranged, twisted unfeeling git"

"Bollocks, your just saying that 'cause you feel like a rabbit caught in the headlights"

"Really?"

"Really! you sad idiotic manic depressive drug addicted fairy!"

This last sentence shocked House, he really hadn't thought such words could come out of Holmes mouth, _were the heck did he learn that?! And, fairy?!_ Moment of confusion over House opened his mouth to retaliate but was interrupted by an explosion of laughter, both House and Holmes looked over to the source of the disturbance to discover, Watson, Wilson, Thirteen, Cuddy, Foreman, Kutner, Taub, Chaise and Cameron, standing in the doorway, they had heard everything.

House looked at Holmes, and said

"truce?"

"truce" agreed Holmes and they both turned to look at everyone smiling, evilly.

"Run?" asked Wilson

"run" agreed Watson and all of them shot down the corridor followed by the two laughing theorists.


	2. I rest my case

YAY!!!!! Chapter two is up! woooooooooooooooo! any way it's not as good as i hoped but i had to get this argument out of my system House and Holmes just wouldn't shut up!!

I don't own any of the characters unfortunatly

* * *

"Yes"

"No"

"Yes"

"Maybe"

"Don't lie to me House I SAW you do it"

"Did not"

"Did"

"Not"

"Did"

"Not"

"House……"

"Holmes…."

"I know you did it"

"You know nothing"

"Really?"

"Really"

"I'm not giving in that easy"

"Neither am I"

"house-"

"Fine give me proof that I did it!"

Wilson chose that moment to burst into House's office

"HOUSE! What the fuck did you put in my coffee cup?!"

Holmes lent back with an all to smug grin on his face

"I rest my case"

* * *

so...... what do ya think? please review! they make me smile and update faster!

I am also taking requests for arguments/conversations/scenarios between House and Holmes so send away!!!!!!!


	3. day care

ok I'm sorry that updates are taking so long but i promise that they will come eventually. Promise. Eventually.

* * *

Cuddy had made me and Holmes help out at the day care centre as punishment for our behaviour these last few days. So, naturally, we were going to have our revenge.

"Dr House!"

"Yes miss?" I replied sarcastically, in the corner Holmes snickered

"Teasing the toddlers by putting the toys just too high up for them to reach is not appropriate"

The snickering grew louder

"But they're so small! How could you not make use of that for entertainment?!"

The snickering stopped and I glanced over at Holmes, he was shaking with repressed laughter.

"But miss!"

"No buts Greg"

I started at the use of my first name

"Yes Greg I used your first name, if you're going to act like a three year old, I'm going to treat you like one"

I mentally grinned what was it three year olds did when they weren't allowed to do something? Oh yes! That!

"MEANY!" I yelled and threw myself to the floor in the perfect imitation of a full blown temper tantrum. In the corner Holmes exploded with laughter and earned a glare from the day care lady, Marilyn.

"Mr Holmes could you kindly tend to Greg?" She asked, he looked at me, play along, I mouthed.

"Why?" he whined and hidden by my tantrum I smiled man he was good! She sighed

"Because I said so"

"But. I. Don't. Want. To!" he said stamping his foot violently and crossing his arms in the perfect imitation of a sulk.

"Sherlock….." She started but she was cut short by Holmes scream as he threw himself to the floor in his own fake tantrum.

She sighed and turned to the confused toddlers

"Right, its bed time now and……."

"Bed time!" Me and Holmes coursed as Holmes jumped up before helping me to my feet.

"Seeing as you to are so enthusiastic you can get the blankets and pillows out now can't you?" she added a meaningful tone into her voice that meant. You've had your fun, now behave. I limped over to the cupboard and pulled out a pillow, after giving it a meaningful look I turned and threw it at Holmes. He let it hit him and he pretended to be knocked onto the floor, I pulled out a blanket and limped quickly towards him. I check his vitals quickly before standing up, throwing the blanket over his head and announcing with a flourish,

"He's dead!"

The toddlers that understood started screaming, the ones that didn't started screaming anyway so as not to be left out. Marilyn looked a little stressed.

"Children. Calm please! I'm sure he's not really….."

"ZOMBIE!" I yelled loudly as Holmes slowly got up groaning with his arms outstretched, the screaming got louder and all the toddlers ran around trying to get out of Holmes' way. Over the commotion I heard Marilyn pull her phone out and tell cuddy to come get her 'children'. I grinned, mission accomplished.

By the time Cuddy got there Holmes had given up the zombie act and both of us were rolling about the floor in stitches of laughter. She apologised quickly, before storming over to us a hauling us up by our collars. As she dragged us outside, she whispered in my ear.

"Your going to pay for that" I didn't show it but I was scared, very scared.


End file.
